Dear friend,
It's really silent now and I keep saying that in all of my letters because I love breathing it in. I guess silence runs in my blood and it's good to see the chaos quietening down, almost asleep but gently breathing because I can hear everything clearly and I can hear myself and I just find it fascinating. I've been up since the crack of dawn, but I don't mind. I love the cold and I love my city and I guess on some days, it's just good to be alive.
This may sound silly, but I wanted to tell you that I wanted the world to be beautiful again. Not the everything-is-happy, nothing-is-wrong kind. Just in the way it is. Broken and empty sometimes, but alive all the same. And gradually I'm able to see that. I'm able to see that in long-sleeved sweaters and beautiful smiles and just watching two friends having a laughter fit at nothing at all. And I joined them. I laughed and they laughed. But the universe keeps contracting in my stomach and spins round in circles sometimes when I think about what is to come. Sometimes it's just as simple as my eleventh grade result that seems to be on everyone's mind. While my stomach lurched at the very though, I looked around and I guess I smiled a little to myself because I was reminded how it felt like to still be alive, to still have something to worry about, to still have a weight at the back of my mind and the future laid out before me like the stars lining up on the night sky - it's dark but it still holds the greatest things in the universe.
I suppose I'm getting a bit carried away here. It's just that I was thinking this morning how I could not quite understand how people believed how precious life was. I didn't understand why people thought it was meant to be lived and not merely exist - if that makes sense. And then I thought about how the biggest irony of life was that the most tragic thing that could happen to it was death. And the death of things was always sad - whether it was love, life, hope or friendship or even memory. And I guess I don't need to explain to you how that feels because you know what it's like. To not want to get up and to not move on and stare at the traces instead and believe it is still there. Maybe you know that feeling. And I think that's when you realize how important it is to know about how important it is to be alive. You matter to a thing, a person and a part of the universe that could never exist without you. Without you, it's always going to be incomplete. I guess why I believe we're miracles is that we never know just how many lives we've found our places in - we never know how far kindness goes. A good thought could travel down a generation and a good letter could be found by the most random of people and leave its mark on their memories.What I'm trying to say is: if you're alive, then to the universe, you are just as important as anybody else. The story would never be complete without you.
If you're wondering how I'm doing, I'm still the by-stander. I still watch everything from sidelines but the best part about that? I've started to like it. All the things that will go on without me, will do exactly that no matter how much I want to change it. So last night, I was in a grey chair while everybody played cards and I laughed a lot. Accepting myself is the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've been reading this book and it says that when you stop looking for something, it shows up. But it turns up, it does. And it always takes you by surprise.
For laughter, for oreos, for pretty book covers and friendship, I am infinitely grateful. I am infinitely blessed.
Love,
Me.
It's really silent now and I keep saying that in all of my letters because I love breathing it in. I guess silence runs in my blood and it's good to see the chaos quietening down, almost asleep but gently breathing because I can hear everything clearly and I can hear myself and I just find it fascinating. I've been up since the crack of dawn, but I don't mind. I love the cold and I love my city and I guess on some days, it's just good to be alive.
This may sound silly, but I wanted to tell you that I wanted the world to be beautiful again. Not the everything-is-happy, nothing-is-wrong kind. Just in the way it is. Broken and empty sometimes, but alive all the same. And gradually I'm able to see that. I'm able to see that in long-sleeved sweaters and beautiful smiles and just watching two friends having a laughter fit at nothing at all. And I joined them. I laughed and they laughed. But the universe keeps contracting in my stomach and spins round in circles sometimes when I think about what is to come. Sometimes it's just as simple as my eleventh grade result that seems to be on everyone's mind. While my stomach lurched at the very though, I looked around and I guess I smiled a little to myself because I was reminded how it felt like to still be alive, to still have something to worry about, to still have a weight at the back of my mind and the future laid out before me like the stars lining up on the night sky - it's dark but it still holds the greatest things in the universe.
I suppose I'm getting a bit carried away here. It's just that I was thinking this morning how I could not quite understand how people believed how precious life was. I didn't understand why people thought it was meant to be lived and not merely exist - if that makes sense. And then I thought about how the biggest irony of life was that the most tragic thing that could happen to it was death. And the death of things was always sad - whether it was love, life, hope or friendship or even memory. And I guess I don't need to explain to you how that feels because you know what it's like. To not want to get up and to not move on and stare at the traces instead and believe it is still there. Maybe you know that feeling. And I think that's when you realize how important it is to know about how important it is to be alive. You matter to a thing, a person and a part of the universe that could never exist without you. Without you, it's always going to be incomplete. I guess why I believe we're miracles is that we never know just how many lives we've found our places in - we never know how far kindness goes. A good thought could travel down a generation and a good letter could be found by the most random of people and leave its mark on their memories.What I'm trying to say is: if you're alive, then to the universe, you are just as important as anybody else. The story would never be complete without you.
If you're wondering how I'm doing, I'm still the by-stander. I still watch everything from sidelines but the best part about that? I've started to like it. All the things that will go on without me, will do exactly that no matter how much I want to change it. So last night, I was in a grey chair while everybody played cards and I laughed a lot. Accepting myself is the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've been reading this book and it says that when you stop looking for something, it shows up. But it turns up, it does. And it always takes you by surprise.
For laughter, for oreos, for pretty book covers and friendship, I am infinitely grateful. I am infinitely blessed.
Love,
Me.
