You can pretend.

You can sneak away, hide your smile,

You can pretend as well, & shift your sight,

You can fake your anger and all your hate,

You can hide from me, but not from fate.

Nothing at all.

The thoughts & sounds, they fade away, burst into angry flames,

A bottomless pit of nothingness, consuming all my brain.

I hear the loudness whizzing out, into silent realms,

The views & scenes, they disappear, along with all my dreams.

Washed out, cleaned & scrubbed, a blackness in my mind,

The silence growing fast & loud, and faster still, with time.

I give up my mind to everything, I let silent pieces fall,

I am at peace when I think & think...about nothing - nothing at all.

I raise the window shutter and can vaguely make out the cluster of lights in the distance. I lay back in my seat, close my eyes, and heave a sigh. I stare blankly at myself on the TV screen fitted on the back of the seat in front of me. Much to my surprise, I feel nothing as yet. Expressionless. Emotionless.

I look out again. The lights are glinting clearly now. Hundreds, thousand, millions of those lighted dots.

The city of lights.

Those hundreds, thousands, millions of lighted dots - one by one they grow into buildings, tall & short. I can see some going out occasionally.

Power's out.

I lay back on my seat again, as if almost waiting to feel something. Anything. I close my eyes and here comes a flash of blurry memories of the place I just left. Ringing laughter, a piercing cry, ballistic shouts, smiles, grave faces and happy ones, familiar scents & sights, tall buildings, the loudness of the silence - everything.

Which one is home? Here or There?

The captain's announcement echoes through out the plane & into my thoughts. He tells us to fasten our seat belts, that we would land in fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes. Such measured time. The words "fifteen minutes" start ringing in my head over and over again. I finally feel something.

Remorse, regret, fear, contempt, panic, terror.

Tears blurs my view from the little, round window. I hold them back. A child behind me cries with delight, "Maybe I can see our house from here!"

I feel something again.

Pride, joy, safety, love, compassion, relief.

My confused thoughts are disturbed by my sister nudging me and pointing towards the window with a big smile. The view has got clearer & we should be closer to the ground. The airhostess conducts a final check, and then another announcement echoes through out the plane.

Prepare for landing.

I become oblivious to everything as I observe the air plane glide lower & lower and lower still.

I'm here.

Even lower.

I'm really here.

The plane wheels finally hit the ground with a deafening sound, as if the sound of the reality. Everyone sits up with broad smiles. The cabin crew wishes us a pleasant stay.

Yes, I'm here to stay.

Another announcement. The captain tells us goodbye. The kid behind me yells again, "Goodbye, ta ta, allah hafiz! Can we go now?"

We board off the plane. As soon as we exit the airport, a large header reads, "Karachi - the port of Pakistan."

This is definitely home. I'm home.

=D

<3

Someone posted a youtube video about Wasif bhai, and all the images, they brought back a collection of so many sad nmemories and moments. Terrifying, really. The images of Ammanji passing away, the scent in the room that gave me goosebumps, the shocked faces, knowing that the angel of death had visited that very house, seeing a soul being scraped out of its body right in front of my eyes, then the tragedy of Phuppa jan's death, how Atto phuppo was literally shaking, remembering the last time we met not knowing we'd never meet again. And then the Wasif bhai incident, all the stories - it all came back at once and I don't know why but it was too overwhelming.

Something in between absolute fear, realization and sadness - and I still have goosebumps. Strange thing, life and death, nothing alike, yet they can never be apart. Things like these remind me of my purpose in life and how little time I hhave to waste. Am I really prepared for the most important journey of my life that could take place any moment now?

To Him we belong to and to Him is our return.

Birthdayyy fest.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=av1M0fCe4

hahaha. It's amazing how much I love those three. <3

Embedding it as soon as I get my computer back. :(

Estranged.

You try and try with all your might, I try and try with mine,

To run, escape, go far away, to breathe, to go and hide.

But we end up standing and standing still, holding every breath,

We end up still and face to face, with confused minds and heads,

This crossroad was supposed to be a road we'd take together،

But all our dreams and hopes flew by like a air borne feather.

Wry smiles are passed, and contemplations, they meddle with our brains,

And time has left a hole between, two people now estranged.

It's a long way home,
Amidst all the dreadful lies,
Amidst all the dreadful cries,
Certainly a dreadful ride,
And a long way home.

I...just have no words. This recitation. <3 I'm going to start learning this Surah.

A tree in bloom.

A tree in bloom, but slowly fading, year by year & days,

One by one the leaves fall off in vain attempts to say,

Prepare yourself, you're a tiny leaf, hanging by a branch,

No, never a subtle fall, rather an avalanche.

When you fall off, their tears will flow, sowing you into the ground,

Your life and all your dollar bills, never to be found.

So many faces cry, so many grieve your fall,

Knowing well & knowing naught, they'll have to face it all.

And so many leaves hanging on, and many faced the fate,

Some don't even gear themselves until it's all too late.

A tree in bloom, and what you are is but a single leaf,

So many still to take the fall, to fall into the heap.

And when you see a leaf you knew fall deep into the clay,

There lies your fate, the fate you'll have to meet one dreaded day.

He was supposed to be there at the wedding & recite the sehra he'd been writing for one year. You seriously don't realize what you have until it's gone.

Innalilahi wa inna ilaihi rajiuún.

To him we belong to & to him is our return.

This isn't very good, at all, but it still means alot to me.

He wrote in the days when the money was hard,

Putting down himself but never the pen,

He wrote of his pains, he wrote of his smiles,

And when he fell, he got back up, and started writing again.

He wrote in the days he saw his daughter smile,

A beautiful bride in bloom,

And he wrote of what he had loved & lost,

He let the memories loom.

He wrote in the days he fell sick to the bone,

Losing hope & dreams,

He wrote about the dismal days,

Fear bursting out the seams.

He wrote about his first grandchild,

The shine that lit up his eyes,

He wrote about what he had gained,

Shirking all the lies.

And when they closed his eyes forever,

They read his little book,

An unfinished piece of a final writing,

Shattering every look.

He wrote as they lied,

He wrote as he died.

He wrote down a legend,

He wrote his goodbye.

May Allah ta'la grant you with forgiveness & mercy, and may you live in our hearts forever. May you rest in peace, Phuppa Jan. I love you.

Strangers to her soul.

Through storm & sun, dreaming on & dreaming on her own,

The world knows naught, the world is but a stranger to her soul.

In softest silk, of milky white, as is the majesty of the sea,

The light shines through, as if in song, as if in harmony.

Beds of pearl, there lies her soul, dancing to her dreams,

Trails of faith, wreaths of belief, brightening the gleam.

A soul fit to wear a crown, to take place with kings & queens,

Deep in peaceful slumber & awakened in her dreams -

Awakened in her dreams.

In trying times, she opens eyes, in familiar tears she wakes,

Her unchanged world, her prison, her smiles replaced by ache.

No hands that reach out to her, alone and no escape,

Every fall and every stumble, all for her and her's to take.

Words spoken & words thought for her, pricking her like blades.

She finds refuge in infinite lands, her eternal escapade -

Eternal escapade.

Through storm & sun, dreaming on & dreaming on her own,

The world knows naught, the world is but a stranger to her soul.

Day 6: Your day.

I woke up today before my alarm, at around 4:45, Baba was getting up around that time too for Fajr. So I prayed Fajr and then went back to sleep. I woke up again at around 11 and did breakfast with Kebab paratha, because Ammi had ordered it for all the Aunties staying upstairs.

I pretty much spent the whole afternoon running upstairs and downstairs, helping Ammi with the Shuraá ka ijlaas that was being held upstairs. I attended to Nani & Nana, helped them with lunch and stuff, and then went to lie down with Aashi khala and talked with her about nothing at all and everything.

Chotti phuppo came, I got busy with Shifa and Hala baji and we all helped Ammi to get the dishes for lunch upstairs. Hala baji asked me what I was going to do all this summer and I said quite truthfully, I had no idea.

Saad came to pick up some books for Tabi Khala, and Tabi Khala had ordered that Nani & Nana were to come right away, but Baba argued that they had only come for a few days, therefore the right to keep them belonged to us. In the end Saad gave up and Nani, Nana stayed.

Sometimes an Aunty would come randomly downstairs and ask me to iron clothes, so I was kept pretty busy. I prayed Zuhr pretty late because I had forgotten in all the chaos. The laptop was upstairs for presentations and such & the internet wasn't working so I stayed away from the computer all day. I went to Aashi khala again when she woke up and randomly conversed like always. Best khala ever, by the way.

I had Pulao for lunch and helped to serve Hala baji and Shifa, etc. We started watching TV and an Aunty's little kid came downstairs so I made room for him on the sofa and he watched TV with us. He was the most darling boy ever. His name was Ismaeel & made the cutest comments. He saw an Aunty cooking on the TV, he said he didn't know how to cook. I said I didn't know how to cook much either. He asked me then, "Is it because I don't know how to cook? If I knew how to cook, would you know how to cook, too?" I made best friends with this little kid and he spent great time elaborating on his experiences at school, where he lived, etc.

I went on an expedition in search for mango ice cream, also. I finally found the pack waiting invitingly in the deep freezer, so I brought it to the kitchen and everybody took large helpings of ice cream. I prayed Asr and went to sit with Nani. I compared my hand with her and discovered it was an exact replica of it. I finally found who I got my very little hands from. Nani then told me stories about how life is unpredictable. I find it amazing how she still remembers literally everything from her life in India. I asked her if she felt like going back to India one day. She smiled at me and said, "dil tou bohat chahta hay."

I didn't have any room for myself because every one of those rooms was occupied so I collapsed for a while on the prayer mat. I tried to get the internet work on Baba's laptop for a while, and it did, but nothing was loading so I left it alone. Sarah called and I rambled about how I didn't want to go tomorrow. Shazra baji was sitting with Aashi again so I joined in the conversation.

After praying Maghrib, I was frustrated about the internet, so I called the internet people and they helped me fix the settings so I was finally able to get online properly. Responded to Kitkat's message because I was feeling my happy feelings then. We were trying to get Sabeeta baji on skype because Choti phuppo said she really wanted to talk to her. But Sabeeta baji wouldn't pick up.

Choti phuppo then spotted Aashi khala in her room, and hugged her and told us all about how when they were young they used to take the bus together and became best friends. Shifa, Hala baji, Me, Shazra baji, Choti Phuppo, Aashi Khala & Ammi sat down together and started reminiscing the old days in Karachi, and Shazra baji & Hala baji talked about the pretend-games they'd played. The football games, the card battles, ghar ghar, jahaz jahaz - practically everything.

Ammi got done with hosting the event, so she came down and got dinner ready. I didn't feel like eating so I didn't join everyone at dinner. Baba had to go to Faraz bhai's wedding function, so he told Choti phuppo he would drop her home. We said our goodbyes and Choti phuppo said she'd pray for my result.

Sabeeta baji finally picked up right after Choti phuppo left, and gave us this long list of things we're supposed to bring to her this summer. It included Nimko, Tapal ki chai, combs, clothes, etc. I was missing Aati baji & her kids alot today, we haven't talked for about 2 days. Sucks. Ammi was worried, she said she'd call her tomorrow.

Now I have to go pray Ishaá and start packing my basta for tomorrow. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really do NOT want to go back. :(

Day 5: Your definition of love.

My definition of love is when Ammi & Tabi Khala fight over the right to keep Nani & Nana in their houses, and debate with each other how either one of them deserves to keep Nani & Nana all to themselves. When Nana wipes his eyes and says in his gruffy voice how he's proud of the children he's raised.

My definition of love is the insanity in my facebook inbox & my refuge in the form of the messaging thread in my inbox by the name of "<3" that I never want to lose. My definition of love is Sarah's absolute craziness and my infinite bond with her. My definition of love is Marium's phone calls and her calling me an idiot for no reason at all.

My definition of love is the light in Ammi's face that suddenly starts glowing when Baba comes home. My definition of love is the smoochy kisses on my cheeks by Phuppos & Khalas and what/who not.

My definition of love is a sister that's just as crazy as me, and the fact that it comforts me. My definition of love is the other sister who rubs her nose when she laughs. My definition of love is the despair in my big sister's tone when she hears about my tales at school. My definition of love is Hassan bhai calling me & Shazra baji a "chotuu" and the fits of laughter at the Unkahi/Dhoop Kinarey/Studio Dhai references he makes.

My definition of love is when Aleeza cuddles Manal & Rumaisa just a little bit closer when she sees a stranger approaching. My definition of love is when Manal asks when we will come to her house. My definition of love is the delight in Aati baji's & Sarwar bhai's voice in the video where Rumaisa is taking her first steps.

My definition of love is when the family gets together and it feels like we never want them to leave. When the house rings with laughter and merriment. My definition of love is the tears that formed in Ammi's eyes when we were singing Wedding songs for Aati baji & Sabeeta baji.

I could go on & on & on, so simply put: my definition of love is every little thing that makes me thankful for being alive. And also occasionally the not so joyful slaps which I might get if I don't run to dinner now. But alas, that is love too.

But what is the truth in your eyes?

All that's true, or all the lies?

or simply things that make you smile.

Walls we've built.

Walls we've built, concrete, strong -

Standing tall for far too long,

And we let it stay,

In our way,

You & I, we wait, we frown,

Waiting for someone to bring them down.

An empty gaze still comes my way,

And my empty eyes - night & day,

Somewhere, sometime,

I will be fine,

You & I, still rooted here,

Rooted strong, with all our fears.

Silence haunts, and silence kept,

Unnerving, eerie, in all it's depths,

We'll be okay,

Sometime, someday,

And once I find my courage, strength,

I'll smile at you, once again.

I'm seriously sad. :'( People saying Pakistan is one one of the most hated country in the world.

Like every Pakistani knew bin Laden was present there, right? Ugh.

..

And still I stand.

Right in front for you to see, yet still you look away,

In vain attempts to banish me, clear me off your way.

And still I stand, so stubborn, never moving back,

There is no choice, never was- just stuck here on this track.

When you're done trying, looking past me like a ghost,

You'll see that it's not you, it's me who needs you most.

Day 4 - What you ate today.

I woke up at around 11:00, so I didn't really feel like having breakfast, but Ammi being Ammi glared at me 'till I ate the Kebab. I did hide away the roti, because roti in the morning makes no sense to me, so I took bread instead, but Shazra baji wouldn't give it to me because she was feeling mischievous. After a long and hard battle I finally earned my bread, and pecked away the kebab.

Then Ammi made this huge omelette with lot's of spices that she wanted me to eat, but I sneaked away in time, only to return and find that it looked rather delicious, so I took a bite and then sneaked away again so I didn't have to eat the whole of it.

For Lunch, after much consultation, Ammi finally resorted to making Pulao. But Ammi being Ammi again, she couldn't JUST make Pulao, so she made Dhuan wala Keema also. I died (in a good way) just at the smell of it. I took a measured amount of Pulao and a little helping of Keema and it was in my stomach in a matter of minutes, because it was just that amazing.

After I woke up from my nap, I found Sour punk sticks and Dairy Milk in the fridge, so obviously I hate to eat a little of both. And so I did. Then upon more research, I found three Ferrero Rochers just sitting there invitingly. I tried to resist the urge, but I gave in to my temptation and ate it.

So yes, that is what I ate today. I'm a hungry kiddo.

Shadows of themselves.

They're lost in time, in time they've lost, in weeks, and months & days,

Scared of all that they have lost because they lost their way.

Piercing eyes, and drawling voices, haunting all their life,

Shrinking at the mocking cries that drove away their drives.

Losing sense, and losing self, all that they hold so dear,

Surrendering to watching eyes, giving in to what they hear.

Echoing emptiness, such silent cries of help,

In all their being, they're nothing more, than shadows of themselves.