Someone, Anyone?

Too much to bear.

Finally breaking down.

I'm broken now..lost.

I can't be ever found.

Someone? Anyone?

Help, I'm losing it.

I don't want to smile anymore,

I feel tired of playing pretend.

I want to hide and run away,

I don't want to fight or defend.

Someone? Anyone?

Help, I'm losing it.

I would let it out,

but who would ever care.

I'm sick and tired,

Of living this despair.

Someone? Anyone?

Help, I'm losing it.

If that somebody who cared,

Who would be there for me,

Would walk into my life right now,

It'd be perfect timing, honestly.

Someone? Anyone?

Help, I'm losing it.

Too Old to be this Young, Too Young to be this Old.

Wiping her sweat first,

And then that smile,

That is so wrinkled.

Yet it shines,

It shines.

Too old to be this young,

Too young to be this old.

Leaves me in wonder.

In wonder.

"Oh, child, I don't have much to live for,

I don't have much at all,

I'm thankful for my life, my dreams,

I'm thankful for my faults & flaws.

I'd hate to be perfect."

Too old to be this young,

Too young to be this old.

Leaves me food for thought.

Strange thoughts.

Days pass by, skin droops,

Difficult to see, difficult to hear.

All have left, every single one of them.

Yet there is no fear.

Fearless.

Too old to be this young,

Too young to be this old.

Leaves me in amazement.

It is too much.

Solitude.

Thoughts soar, flying free.

I'm taken where I want to be.

I'm going where the views I see,

Are things worlds apart.

Solitude.

Empty promises don't exist,

Those feelings I cannot desist,

They take me by my wrist,

And run free with me.

Solitude.

Enchanted by the wonder,

No room for any blunder,

Happiness isn't plundered,

And I am at peace.

Solitude.

Tell Me.

Tell me where I've gone wrong,

I'll fix it.

Tell me what I can do.

I'll do it.

Tell me where you've gone.

I'll go there.

Tell me the mistakes I made.

I'll make up.

Tell me when you'll come around.

I'll breathe.

I'll Climb.

Still holding myself together,

Even though you're pulling me apart.

Still nursing all my wounds,

Though you've left your scars.

Still moving forward, going on,

Even though you hold me back.

Still battling through the days,

Even though you say I lack.

Try as you may, push me to the ground,

I've climbed mountains, I'll climb this mound.

Shaken, Shattered, Breaking.

Fists closed.

Heart throbbing.

Eyes searching.

World spinning.

Hands trembling.

Smiles wavering.

Tears falling.

Shaken.

It comes and goes.

It takes control.

Why does it grow?

Why does it show?

Shut down.

Breaking inside.

Losing hope.

Losing the fight.

Falling down.

Feeling trapped.

Trying to survive.

Shattered.

It comes and goes.

It takes control.

Why does it grow?

Why does it show?

Biting lips.

Reddened eyes.

Unstable emotions.

Aching sides.

Aching heart.

Fearful mind.

Suspecting lies.

Breaking.

It comes and goes.

It takes control.

Why does it grow?

Why does it show?

That One Curve.

It hides all my feelings,

It hides all my fears,

It hides my insecurities,

It hides all my tears.

Just that one curve

On my face.

It helps me in times when

I don't know what to say,

It helps me face people,

When I want to run away.

Just that one curve

On my face.

It is for the world,

It strengthens me inside,

When its from the heart,

Its when I shine.

Just that one curve

On my face.

It says the words I leave unsaid,

When hope drowns, it retains,

It'll show the joy I cannot share,

It'll show inexpressible pain.

Just that one curve

On my face.

Lessons.

They laughed & shook their heads,

They left her doubting herself,

She tried to change her ways for them,

It was no use, she failed again.

Lesson learnt, lesson lived,

All you can do is forgive,

You can't live for them, not you,

It will only take you askew.

They thought of her like a little child,

Her miseries made them smile,

She tried and tried to seem headstrong,

But their malice seemed to last lifelong.

Lesson learnt, lesson lived,

All you can do is forgive,

Your tears matter not to them,

Don't let them stop or let them stem.

They used her for their cause,

They let the meanness pause,

She found out in the end,

It was play, it was pretend.

Lesson learnt, lesson lived,

All you can do is forgive,

Their hearts are completely sealed,

You can't make them feel.

They gave their word, they lied to her,

They told her their friendship wouldn't defer,

She found them walking far away,

Like they never knew her anyway.

Lesson learnt, lesson lived,

All you can do is forgive,

They will not ever care,

They'll leave you in despair.

And now while they leave her on her own,

Like something used and thrown,

She does not mind, lets them go on,

They're not two-sided, they're hexagons.

She has her lessons learnt, lived them too,

She knows who she should stick to,

She does not mind that they forget,

'Cause in the end, they will regret.

Hangman

I'm living on guesses,
I'm living on chances.

I rely on your steps,
I rely on help.

Can't afford mistakes,
Can't help them either.

I hope for solutions,
I hope to make it alive.

Im the Hangman,
In this game of life.

Behind Those Eyes.

Behind those eyes, a universe lies,

Behind those eyes, is a galaxy.

Behind those eyes, are dancing smiles,

Behind those eyes, is beauty.

Behind those eyes, are beautiful fields,

Behind those eyes, are shining stars.

Behind those eyes, are melodies,

Behind those eyes, are thoughts bizarre.

Behind those eyes, she cannot see, but

Behind those eyes, is a world full of light.

Behind those eyes, images are none, but

Behind those eyes, the world is bright.

Keeping At It.

Like a shell so hard to crack,

Like a stone so hard to hole,

Like cutting chains with scissors,

Like fighting Quirrell's troll.

But I'll crack this shell, I know,

This stone will hole someday,

If scissors fail, the knives are there,

And the troll lost anyway.

So I 'm keeping at it.

Keep falling like a little child,

Keep crying like a baby,

Keep getting stuck like a broken clock,

Keep wondering all those Maybes.

But I don't forget how to get up,

These tears will dry themselves,

A clock can always get repaired,

And Maybes won't define myself.

So I'm keeping at it.

Wish it was easy like those ABCs,

Wish it was simple like addition,

Wish it was enjoyable like play,

Wish it was set out like a definition.

But ABCs were hard once, too

Things add up to complications,

You get your bruises even at play,

And there will always be solutions.

So I'm keeping at it.

Won't give up, I'm not letting go,

Won't rest until I reach the finish line,

Won't ever stop to strive for this,

Won't let myself be confined.

Even though its easier to lay back,

To give up and just let go,

But the Easy feels so wrong,

I'm leaving the Easy Alone.

So I'm keeping at it.

Bound to Drown.

I don't know why, or how I wrote this. The images were forming in my mind, and I decided to write them down. And I came up with this. Reading it again, I felt like I was talking about how time slips, about how things tempt you, how you think some things will make it all better, but in the end they leave you with nothing, not even your life.

"Sitting down on the sand, holding fistfuls of the little brown grains, then letting them go through your fingers, they slip so easily, sliding through your fingers. A rush of breeze leaves your hair sticking to your face, but you don't brush them off, let them mess up, let the air win. Slowly you get up, and look down. Traces of the sand you sat upon, yet you don't care to brush it off. You just choose to go on, toward the sea, leaving footprints behind that will perish with time. Walking without destination, yet you keep walking, until the water rushes at your feet, and then moves back. It wets your feet, then goes back again, it never stays. You start walking again along the sea, letting the water wet your feet time and time again, you walk away from the water for a while, but something wants the wetness back, and so you move toward the water again, but this time you move forward, into the water, into the sea, until it reaches your knees. For a moment you contemplate, wondering if you should go back, but something urges you even forward. Forward you go. The water is at waist length. A wave hits you and you stumble, but manage to stay your ground. The little red water buoys are not far, they bob up and down, as if trying to warn you, but you don't pay heed. You move even further, you hear whistles from the lifeguards but you don't care. You're starting to swim, swim beyond the buoys, as the whistles still blow furiously, you still keep swimming, until atlast another wave hits, this time you can't help but fall. You fall into the water, you can't breathe, you can't think, and you're eyes can see no hands to help you up. The same water, which had once so gently touched your feet, as if in invitation, but you went too far trusting it. You were bound to drown. "

Entrances & Exists.

An entrance here, an exit there,

Some welcomed, some are not,

They come as quickly as they go,

Like some planned out plot.

Its like a never ending queue,

It moves with years & Time

One leaves, but it is not the end,

Another waits in line.

The Hellos are ever present,

The Goodbyes are very few,

Like stitches undone without warning,

On a cloth that someone sew.

One by one they come,

One by one they go,

Some people leave their marks,

Some leave scars & blows.

Tomorrow will bring another day,

Another will enter my life,

But none will stay forever,

None will ever survive.

Come Back.

You don't know this misery,

You don't know what you are,

You're never near, yet never leave,

You're just making lives so hard.

Do you even know what you want?

Have you ever cared at all?

Do you realize the hell you're giving?

While your ego still stands tall.

Maybe you have your problems,

Maybe all you know is pain,

But you don't seem to open up,

And I know you are insane.

Once you realize all your faults,

You'll stop with all the blaming,

I want to hope with all my heart,

One day you'll come back caring.

It's not even me you're hurting,

Yet you're hurting me so bad,

Its a part of my life that is in pain,

And someday she'll go mad.

Just please come back and show,

Show that you want to care,

We will forgive, once we're free,

From all this misery & despair.

Come back and make this a reality,

Why can't you see?

We'll give anything & everything,

To see her happy.

Stuck Inside a Labyrinth.

I've stepped inside this Labyrinth,

I don't know my way out,

I'm just stuck here all by myself,

With no-one to hear me shout.

I've stepped inside this Labyrinth,

I can't decide which way to choose,

These paths entwined are too many,

And I'm utterly bemused.

I've stepped inside this Labyrinth,

I did not choose to be here,

But here I am, completely lost,

With everything I fear.

Perfect.

You weren't even looking,

And I did not expect,

For you to utter, out of the blue,

That I was perfect.

I know it was not flattery,

And I know it was no joke,

Because I saw the invisible tears,

That dropped as you spoke.

Done without looking up,

Done with no expression,

Done in an offhand manner,

Done in a split second.

I do not know, or have a clue,

And neither did I ask,

But why I wonder, did you speak?

While you were busy with your tasks.

There was unmistakable anger,

Mingled with frustration too,

You did not show, but I know,

Through all these years I've known you.

I denied, that I was not,

You spoke again that I was,

I can't believe, that you can't see,

All my faults and flaws.

I know you know my imperfections,

I know that you know me well,

I've been at your side for so long,

Always together have we excelled.

If you think perfection of,

the Me you see dwell,

Then you, your imperfections too,

Are Perfect to me as well.

Questions.

Do you even see me?

Or do you see an empty space?

Do you even hear my words?

Or do they go to waste?

Don't you hear my pleas?

Or are they of no use?

Don't you see my longing?

Or the crying, so profuse?

Have you forgotten?

That I still exist?

Can't you see my sadness?

And that I can't desist?

Have I made mistakes?

Have I gone wrong?

Or have I lost my mind?

And was wrong all along?

Why do I make efforts?

Why can't in peace I live?

Why can't I let it be?

Why do I still forgive?

Why do I ask these questions?

Why do I even care?

Why do I still run after you,

When I'd be better off elsewhere?

My last request, the very last?

Don't ever answer these,

Because if you do, just stop to think,

What will be left of me?

:(

1-10-2010.

This day will always have a special place in my heart. I wan't to relive it from scratch, and writing about it from scratch comes closest. :)

Elections 2010. It's always been this 'big' thing in school. We'd been talking about it from grade 8, and discussing who would stand for what, seeing all our seniors competing and having the time of their lives. It takes years of reputation to build and stuff, so its always..well...a 'big' thing. :)

So it started out by filling out this form. I don't even know how many tried out, but we were shortlisted to 20 people I think. Then there were the interviews. I was the first interviewee, courtesy of the double As in my name. Day 1 of interviews, they held it in the Chemistry lab, with Ms Bushra & Ms Sarwar. I walked in, and the first thing that was said to me:

"Sooo, Aaisha, why English Secretary, why not any other post?"

"Uh, well, because I think I'm best at i-"

"No, why best at it?"

"No, like, I think I have the best chance for the post."

(Ms Bushra shakes head, Ms Sarwar looks through my form.)

"Do you think you'll be able to, you know, because you've always been so soft-spoken..."

"Well, that doesn't mean I'm not confident."

"Yes I know, but do you think you'll be able to convince the students?"

"Yes, I do."

"Okay..make an announcement."

"Like any announcement?"

"Yes!"

(I was kind of taken aback at this point so I had to think for a while, haha)

"Okay....here goes...'We're holding a writing competition'.."

"Aaisha, I can't even hear you!"

( I was sort of nervous, so I didn't know how that came out."

"Well, you were kind of sitting in front of me so I didn't speak that loudly.." (I said this with a SMILE, okay? :p)

"Yeah..." (I don't think she understood, haha.)

"Okay I'll start over...'We're holding a writing competition, and I want you to submit all your poetries, stories, artwork, whatever, that you think describes you best, and I'll put it together on a blog, for the world to see'.."

"Blog? Yeah thats a good idea!"

(I'm kind of relieved at this point.)

"Ohh and what's the spelling of 'receive'?"

"...umm...r-e-c-i-e-v-e.."

"Wrong, it's r-e-c-E-i.. :) "

"Ohh, sorry."

"Okay, thats enough I think."

"When will you guys let me know?"

"We'll tell you...we haven't told anyone yet."

"Okay, thankyou."

^ Aha as you can see it didn't go that well. :D I was kind of disheartened at this point, and pretty sure I wouldn't clear the interview. Two days after though, they put of the list of the final candidates, and I was SO SO happy when I saw I had cleared the interview haha. xD

It was on Wednesday they put up the final list. Which meant we had Thursday, and Friday for preparations, and then on Monday we would start campaigning. Everyone was really really excited, and so was I. So we brought chart papers and stuff the next day, and asked if we could have the second half after the recess free, to do preparations. Ms Madiha said yes :D So we made strips we would later on use for bracelets for campaigning. Every teacher came into the class and was like "Wowza, team work!", because it was kind of like a cycle, one was cutting the strips, one was writing on them, one was colouring them in :D It was fun!

So the next day everyone was like bring whatever art material so we can make more stuff. So the next day we got even more material, and started making more strips, and started on badges too. Fridays are already half days, and some teachers had this workshop, so we had a whole day free almost :D. Again, it was lots of fun. Except at times we would get disheartened because other people were making better stuff xD Haha lots of drama and fights, though small, an I secretly thought it was exciting. :p

Then on the same day, a friend had called me over for making posters and stuff. Went over, another friend was there, had lots of fun painting, drawing, cutting, etc. haha. On Saturday, some of my friends came over so we could help each other with the campaigning, and posters and badges and stuff. It was lots of fun again :) The day after I had spelling bee, and I had also SOO much homework to do. Went to the spelling bee on Sunday, that was a whole experience on its own, haha. Then I sat down at like 2 o' clock, and got up at 8 o clock, when finallly, finally I was done with my 200 badges, and 50 strips. I don't think I work THIS hard very often, haha. Then I made couple of posters, and then FINALLY started on homework. By the time I went to sleep I felt my hands would fall off any moment.

So next morning would be my speech. I had already prepared a poem, and had decided I was going to recite that. And I did. I don't know how much of an impact it made, but yeah. XD My opponents' speeches were good also. :) One of them had prepared somewhat of a skit, and it was really funny, haha. And secretly I was disappointed because my speech hadn't been that attention grasping. I was pretty sure she was going to win, haha. Anway, so in the break, we did what we'd dreamt to do for so many years :D The whole screaming-your-lungs-out-and-shouting-support thing :D 5 minutes before recess we all gathered on the door with our bottles, and steel spoons and other noise making equipment :p The moment the bell for recess rang, the whole school rang with our shouts and screams as all the 10th graders, the other classes included, made their way to the ground.

I will never ever forget those moments in years to come, the songs, the booing, the whooting, the slogans, it was just so amazing. At the end of the recess we were all completely exhausted and nearly lost our voices, haha. The 7th & 8th period was assigned for campaigning in classes. My badges fell short because all the kids wanted badges to wear :p I felt kind of important hahaha :p But anyway, we introduced ourselves to everyone again and gave out bracelets and badges and stuff, and put posters all over the school. I was asking around who they'd vote for, and they'd shake their head, point their fingers at me, and then ask for a badge. xD But I was kind of convinced I wouldn't win. One 6th grader was so disappointed when she heard I'd given out all my badges, I was so sad I couldn't give any to her :( So I promised her I would bring her a badge the next day just for her. :)

The same day, I came home, made some more badges, did all my homework, and then started on the second speech I had to make. I ended up with a really lame speech, but I was like what the heck, I won't win anyway, so I didn't really care what kind of speech I came up with. :p Turned out, the same opponent who had made the funny speech, had a Waka Waka dance to do for her speech, so obviously everyone liked that. I did my speech, I don't know how it went, because at that point I was completely sure I wasn't going to win so I didn't really care, ahah. We had the same awesomeness in recess, and it was even more awesome if that was even possible. Two of the girls in my class who were shouting slogans completely lost their voices, they couldn't even speak. XD

The next day would be the voting. For some strange reason, the school decided that the voting would be done by computers. :p That didn't turn out too well xD There were lots of glitches, so the voting went on to Thursday.

I wasn't really nervous because I had this strong feeling about losing :p But I was nervous that I would cry, I didn't really want to embarrass myself haha. On Thursday Ms Bushra called all the candidates into the ground to brief them about the results the next day. She told us where to stand and stuff, and to prepare winning speeches if we won, and told us there would be an interactive session.

So on Friday (1-10-2010), when she called us into the ground, everyone was clapping for us, and it felt really good. :) She had an interactive session, in which every candidate said that they thought their opponents would win :p I did too, but I was speaking the truth xD Ms Sarwar started with the results, but she couldn't really leave behind that habit of telling jokes, haha. Everyone was like HA-HA-HA. xD Then she proceeded with the results.

Oh gosh, I will never forget. :) Headgirl from our class. Deputy Head Girl from our class, even though my besties lost. :( Language Secretary from our class. English Secretary. Oh my gosh, I couldn't even believe it when they announced my name. I couldn't hear by how many votes I had won, because my class and all the other voters were causing an absolute uproar. xD So I went to the stage, got my maroon Council GOWN (EEEE) in front of the whole school and stood with the winners. :D Turns our House Captain was also from our class, so that made FIVE GOWNS from our class. Our class was going crazy with excitement. We had this slogan, "X C KA NAARA HA, YE COUNCIL HAMARA HA." and it came truee. Gosh. Then we took our Oaths. It was really funny, they asked us to raise our right hand for the oath, and nobody could figure out which was their right. xD Then I made my winning speech :D I didn't know what to say, so I thanked God, I thanked my class, I thanked my best friends ( and pointed to them, and then they started crying haha aww :( ) and I thanked my voters and supporters and promised them I won't let them down.

Coming back off stage, I hugged my opponents, The Headgirl, the deputy head, all the elected council & all the other candidates. I hugged my best friends, who hadn't won. :( I was really sad they didn't win after all their hard work. There was lots of crying, and lots of hugging.

We were asked to stay back in the ground, we had our picture taken with the Principal, and told us that our first meeting would be on Friday. The Council went upstairs to even more hugs :D From EVERYONE. I got a kiss from a teacher too hahaha xD It was awesome. Then we had this pizza party planned for recess, but the Principal came and asked us why we were shouting, and since nobody replied, she took away our pizza, and said "The Peons can have a party today." It was hilariously annoying. :D

So in the break we went downstairs, and asked for our Pizza back. xD Hahaha, after some convincing, she gave it back to us, and we had alot of fun eating it. :D The whole day I felt really confident wearing my Gown. I don't know why, but it gave me a surge of confidence. :) My friends said it looked part of my personality ahahah xD

And so the awesomeness ended, but these memories will last a lifetime. I'm really looking forward to spending a year being part of the School Council. :)

Forgotten.

You walk by me like a stranger,

Now that strangers know you.

They act like they were always there,

You talk with them like they were.

Amidst the crowd I stand alone.

When once, the crowd seemed lonely.

You've forgotten Everything,

Even though I did Everything I could.

I try to make up, catch up, be there,

But you push me farther behind.

I know they've got purpose, a reason

Though I never needed one.

People change, and you did too,

And I'm just left onlooking.

Maybe you knew I would always forgive,

But please know, that I won't ever forget.