Day 2 —Tell about a character who lost something important to him/her.

Something? ...Okay then.

Again, this is so lame. =( I neeeeeeed to improve on writing. >.<

She lay in bed that night, with an empty feeling consuming all her body. It floated through every high and every low, pervading every inch of her existence. She was lost. Within and without - she was lost. She could hardly deal with the fact that she had lost, she was lost and she was losing so much more.

She remembered those nights she'd spent tossing and turning, the possibilities of following tomorrows plaguing her mind. Now that those feelings had forsaken her, she actually thought that they were better than this feeling of nothingness. That sense of purpose was lost. She'd been beaten.

Those days and hours spent walking in and out of offices trying to get papers ready, trying, struggling, striving; tackling legal matters and preparing herself for the worst. And then ofcourse, the court trial that had ended earlier today. She had lost and lost herself in the process. Somehow, her brain could not register the fact that she had lost the case. She had lost the custody of her very own child.

Another toss, another turn. Somehow, inside her mind, she was taken back twenty two years ago.

8 years old, she could vividly picture herself sitting beside a flower pot in the garden and crying uncontrollably. And then her Dad appeared. The images slowly formed and some bits and pieces of the conversation came back. Something had retained though - something important.

"Honey, Sierra will come back if she's supposed to."

"But she's lost Daddy. What if she's hungry? What if a cruel cat napper's caught her? Daddy, I want Sierra back!"

The tears had formed again.

Dad had looked in the distance. She had sniffed loudly to remind him she was still there. Dad had looked at her again and said, "You know what they always say? If something's truly yours, it will find it's way back to you again. Sure, she's lost, but there's only so much you can do."

She'd scooted close to him and he'd put his arm around her, kissing her on the top of her head.

"Sometimes you've to let go. Sometimes it's the only way things can work out. Sometimes you just have to let go of the bad parts, and keep all the good ones. Sometimes that's the only way left." Daddy had seemed to be speaking to himself more than her, and she could even see a tear glistening in his eye. She'd been really confused, failing to understand one bit.

But she wasn't confused now. She understood.

The pictures in her thoughts dissolved. She closed her eyes.

That night she dreamt of a happy, smiling child that she knew was hers.

Delirium.

Numbing mind and insane thoughts, overflowing hype,

Lunacy in all we do, madness in our fights.

But smiling through it all, and laughing through the craze,

Two lunatics set free in life, despairing in their daze.

Such utter madness, such loosened minds, tonight that we are free,

These days we spend in delirium,madness is such ecstasy.

Allah the Almighty said: “I am as My servant thinks of Me. I am with him when he remembers Me. If he mentions Me within himself, I mention him within Myself. If he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in a better assembly. If he comes near to Me a handspan, I come near to him the distance of a cubit. If he comes near to Me the distance of a cubit, I come near to him the distance of two outspread arms. If he comes to Me walking, I come to him running.”

I really love this.

Every time.

Every time you say you hate me, I see reality face to face,

Every time you say I'm useless, I try and try with haste.

Every time you say I bore you, I try to revive myself.

Every time you say I'm stupid, I try to get the help.

Every time you tell me I can't, I try so much more,

But what becomes is only how my heart and mind is tore.

Can't you see that this is true, I can't be anyone else but me,

Can't you see that I run from you, trying to be free.

Day 1.

Day 1 —Select a book at random in the room. Find a novel or short story, copy down the last sentence and use this line as the first line of your new story.

I got my hands on "The Lollipop Shoes" and it's last line was this: For a time, then we stay - for a time. Until the wind changes again...

This whole thing is VERY VERY lame... but....yeah.

**

"For a time, then we stay - for a time. Until the wind changes again and blows us into a world entirely different." She had that same mystical whisper, and then, she smiled. It was creepy.

My mom had been a complete mystery to me. For one, she wasn't really my 'Mom'. Just a stranger that had picked us from the orphanage, and I'd known little about her ever since because I could see that she was practically insane. She left all of us in huge dilemmas, but ofcourse, I've come to love every bit of that. Don't get me wrong. She makes me think. I like her. Alot.

Us. I haven't really defined that, have I? Us basically means Carter, Rose and Me. Carter is my twin. She thinks I'm a weirdo. It's because I always have my face buried in a book, and I'm always the loner at school. Carter, on the other hand is 'all that'. Carter doesn't spend her nights reading, she goes out and does stuff I have a pretty good idea about. Even in her insanity, I really do think Mom gets worried. You'd think she'd be more thankful, since Mom took us in and all, but Carter doesn't care. Carter doesn't care for anyone. But she's been with me, so when I occasionally get along with her, I like her. I can't help it.

Rose has been with us since forever. She met Mom at college and has been with her ever since. If it hadn't been for Rose I don't think we would've grown up at all. She works at a coffee shop, so she has busy evenings, but she always comes home with a great big smile. Sometimes I find her crying alone, but I don't intrude. Always smiling must be really, really tiring. I think she 'gets' Mom. I don't know why she likes being with us when she's got a whole world out there to venture into. We're strange people and somehow she likes being part of the strangeness. Rose is in her mid forties, so all she has is us, and all we have is her. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her. I'd probably be a midget or something.

And then there was me. I'm Sam, short for Samantha. I'm 16 and I'm just as strange as the people I live with. That's really all I can say.

Anyway, like I was telling you - it was creepy.

"Where do we 'stay' Mom?"

It was a pretty relevant question, considering we'd been living here in this rusty, dusty apartment for as long as Carter & I had been living.

Mom spaced out. Like always. Rose hushed me away. Like always. So I shrugged, sighed and decided to find something else to do - like always.

The Window. It had always been my refuge. I liked to capitalize it with bold letters in my diary because I liked it so much. It was beautiful, with a great big arch and a glass panel that had been scratched and damaged through passing years. But still it was beautiful. I liked imagining stories about all the people that passed by and wondered about what their lives were like. It was simply my refuge and I can't explain it otherwise. I told that to Carter once, and she thought it was really weird of me. I may be weird, but I guess I like it.

"To the Window!" I thought to myself and smiled. The Window was my friend. I'd decided that everything that made me think a good thought was my friend - and that I loved it.

Rose had made the window sill more comfortable for me. It was quite wide, so she'd laid down two thick woolen sheets, and a cushion on either side. It was lovely, really.

The majestic green curtains seemed welcoming. They always did. I liked to think they were huge drapes, the ones you see in movies, hinting and welcoming the beholder to the beautiful sights beyond.

I smiled again. The curtains were my friend, too. They made me smile.

I drew them very slowly, and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, my eyes beheld that hustling bustling view of the neighborhood that I'd come to know and love immensely.

I smiled again.

I sat myself on the window sill, adjusting the cushions behind me, then lay back and took it all in. My eyes instantly fell upon an old lady, coughing and wheezing, slowly making her way through the stoned footpath. The people passing by took no notice, everyone was too busy with their own lives, but there the old woman was. I don't think she had much more to live - or much to live for anyway.

I found myself whispering, "Stay strong.."

At that point, Mom's words came back to me. For a time, then we stay - for a time. Until the wind changes again and blows us into a world entirely different. I sat up, and looked at the old woman more intensely. She was only halfway through the footpath.

"For a time, then, you stay - for a time. Until the wind changes and blows you into a world entirely different," I whispered again.

She shouldn't worry, I told myself. Her time will come. Her wind will change soon. She's just got to keep holding on until then. I traced my finger at the point on the window where I saw here shuffling through the crowd. At that moment, somehow, she vanished into the next corner of the street.

I lay back again, and found a tear rolling down my cheek.

My Mom wasn't so insane after all.

"First I would like to thank Almighty Allah, because without his help, nothing is possible."

Yes, Afridi. You go, Afridi. =D

30 day challenge.

Day 1 —Select a book at random in the room. Find a novel or short story, copy down the last sentence and use this line as the first line of your new story.

Day 2 —Tell about a character who lost something important to him/her.

Day 3 —Write about the worst time you’ve ever put your foot in your mouth.

Day 4 —Write a story/excerpt to include the line, “Sorry, we can’t insure you for a journey like that.”

Day 5 —Pick a letter of the alphabet. Now imagine two aisles of your local supermarket. List everything found in those two aisles that begin with that letter of the alphabet.

Day 6 —Write about a person who would buy all of those items in Day 5.

Day 7 —What sets you apart from the crowd?

Day 8 —Tell your life story from someone else’s point of view.

Day 9 —What was your favorite childhood toy?

Day 10 —What do you want to be remembered for?

Day 12 —What is your favorite day of the week?

Day 13 —Write about a random picture you would find in an envelope of finished prints at Costco.

Day 14 —Elvis still gets 100 Valentines each year. Tell about one of the people who sent one.

Day 15 — Create a character who is falsely accused of a crime.

Day 16 —If we assume ghosts are real, what type of ghost would you like to see?

Day 17 — Write a short scenario set in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant.

Day 18 —Take a reader behind the wheel with the worst driver you’ve ever known.

Day 19 —Write a list of 25 (or just 5!) things you want to do in your life.

Day 20 —If you could go on only one more vacation in your lifetime, where would you go and why?

Day 21 —Find a job ad in the paper. Write about your life if you had that job.

Day 22 —You wake up with a key gripped tightly in your hand. How did you get this key? What does it lock or unlock?

Day 23 —Pretend you’re a cartoon character. What type of a character would you be? What would a day in your life be like?

Day 24 —Write about the longest amount of time you’ve ever gone without sleeping.

Day 26 —Write about your worst habit.

Day 27 —Make up a near-death experience (unless you have a real one).

Day 28 —You read about yourself in your brother/sister, girlfriend/boyfriend’s diary. What did you read?

Day 29 —You are at a cemetery reading gravestones. Write about one of the people you find.

Day 30 —Write a short entry that ends with the line, “The silver dust of moonlight settled coldly on the night.

Okay, I know I seriously fail at doing these things, but this seems so much fun! =)

Spectator.

A Spectator;

A quiet one.

While you're lighting the world,

And while you're too beautiful

for you to notice,

I'm a Spectator;

A stunned one.

And while you're lost in your spirits,

Too happy for words,

I'm a Spectator;

A smiling one.

And while you mingle with them

And laugh like you've never laughed before,

I'm a Spectator;

Wishing I was Them.

Miracle.

I believe in miracles.

And however small

they happen everyday.

Human mind;

too confined

To notice.

But they happen.

And I,

I believe in them.

'Cause truth is,

It's Miracles,

that have gotten us

to Here.

Truth is,

We are

Our Miracles.

Truth is,

We are,

Nothing less

than

A Miracle.

I can't forget, I don't regret.

I can't forget, I don't regret, and you have left your marks,

And through it all, you've helped me so, helped me light the dark.

So I let it go, I think about how I'm living in the now,

How my past can't pain me more - that I can't allow.

I won't waste this time of mine, so limited as it is,

I could be making memories, finding joy in Daddy's kiss.

I could be filling all these walls with ringing laughs and smiles,

I could be making these passing seconds so much more worthwhile.

So dear people in the past, I don't mind your going out,

If God thinks so, then I'm pretty sure you I can do without.

I'm glad of what we had, even though it did not last,

But who can blame or name those names, time & life moves fast.

The beginning was a miracle, the between was purely bliss,

But now that it has ended, I am left with only this,

The goodbyes that matter most to you, aren't said at all,

And sometimes life leaves you lost, falling to your falls.

But the past is past, what's done is done, nothing I can change,

Who ever's left, has left for good, no reason for this pain.

So here I am, I'll do what's right, I'll go on and I'll smile..

Whenever I think of you and me, when I think of all those times.

The times have gone, God gave me strength to leave behind the pain,

And times have gone but it is time to start making Times again.

Downward.

Downward, downward, the path goes down,

Unsure steps and steaming frowns,

Such sticks, such stones, such mountains high.

Downward, downward, the path goes down,

I'm heading out to unknown towns,

'cause I've left behind the past.

Downward, downward, the path goes down,

And when you call I won't be around,

Like I have been for so long.

Downward, downward, the path goes down,

Leaving forever these empty grounds,

And I'm holding onto Maybes.

Downward, downward, the path goes down,

In lands above the past will hound,

And I'm ready to let it go.

Voices.

Even through the silence,

The sounding screams still echo,

And even when you're gone,

Your voice still dances around my ears,

And here I am stuck between

What is and never will be.

GUESS WHOSE BEEN UP SINCE 4:45 STUDYING?

...

MOI.

Strings....is...performing...at our school.

STRINGS.

......

...

..

HAZZZ FUNN WITH TEHH MUSIC GAAIIZZ, I'LL BE AT HOME ROCKSING OUUUT TOOO MY BEST DAIIIIS, AND WATCHING FOZZAYY PICTUREES. #SADLIFE

Words fail.

Sometimes,

even words fail.

And sometimes

It's that failing of words,

That describes

All of it.

We have lived.

Scratched knees,

And lingering scars,

Old doodles in old classes,

Crunched up paper

full of useless words,

And random writings,

Across random pages.

Your name on first pages,

And my name on yours.

Marks of ink on my hand

telling me you were there.

A message doodled on my desk

To let me know we were Forever.

We have lived.

We have lived..together.

And even when the scratches disappear

Even when the scars fade,

Even when the doodles are forgotten,

Even when the papers are thrown away,

And their words are lost forever,

Even when the writings are wasted,

And the pages are never to be found,

And even when my name

And your name

Is never written together again

Even when the marks of ink wash away

And the desk belongs to someone else soon,

And we turn our backs to everything we ever had

Only because we have to turn our backs

To everything we could ever have...

Just remember, We Have Lived.

We have lived..Together.

Feels like Home.

There is something about you,

That feels so alive.

Like writing on the first page of a brand new notebook.

Like the feel of a smoothly running pen.

Like smelling the pages of old books.

Like my feet sinking beneath the sand,

as cold water rushes at them.

Like the occasional surprise of my messy bun of hair

turning out to be perfect.

Like reading a poem that rhymes perfectly.

Like when the wind blows so hard and my hair and

clothes are close to falling off, and I just laugh.

Like when I get perfect scores.

Like the breeze around just before the rain.

Like snuggling into a blanket after a hard day.

Like finding a good book to read.

Like drinking coffee that isn't too hot, nor too cold; just perfect.

Like..you.

There's just something about you.

That feels like home.

....=S.

A state of war.

Bombarding cannons, shedding blood, swords slung, and struck and grazed,

A pool of blood, a distant cry, a fire, fierce and blazed.

And calm as I may look, this composed look well deceives,

For I am far from singing souls, far away from peace.

Now 'tis a state of mind, these horrors grasp the pain,

Hostilities, a state of war, consuming all my brain.

My Sweet Aasho, Had it not been you saying that it is your first attempt,I would not have believed that you did it at all.Very well done.What a good start.It is going to be start of an era.Hope you will keep it up.......just as your babajan did.......................................Salman

His response after I mailed him. Yayyyy. =) I actually kind of sort of maybe like that poem now. =p =)

Libya.

I'm honestly crying at the bravery and strength of the people in Libya. I love Egypt for starting this, and now, Inshallah, this revolution will be revolutionary.

Libya, you'll be free from that Jerk. Inshallah. You're in my prayers.

اے دنیا میں بسنے والے ، یہ ماجرا کیا ہے؟

..کہ دنیا میں بس کر ہی تو سب بھول چکا ہے

..بس بس کر تو تیرا بس اب چل چکا ہے

!کہ اب تو بسانے والے کو ہی بھول چکا ہے

AND THAAT, Ladies and gentlemen, was my very first attempt at Urdu poetry. =D

Really glad I discovered how to type Urdu into the google translator. =p (SEE WHAT AWESOMENESS YOU INDUCE, KITKAT?)

Bytheway, Google translates that third line as "your bus is running now" or something like that, and...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *TEARS IN MY EYES*

And still we hold on to yesterdays.

Voices whisper, thoughts awaken, the wind whistles in it's way,

Waiting for the closure of just another day.

What's done is done, it's left behind, no one can try to change,

Wether it left two strangers friends, or two lovers now estranged.

All folly done, all folly caught, all of the trust betrayed,

And now it's time to let it go, it's time to let it fade.

The story of today, and yet the story of our life,

And still we hold on to yesterdays, shirking all goodbyes.

If it's any comfort.

No expectations, no explanations, anger bursting forth,

So unlike the usual drifts, such different, sharp retorts.

You always took and never gave, yet you thought you were the best,

And I thought you had a special place, so different from the rest.

But now I'm left confused, what is false and what is true?

Now that you have said out right to me, so clearly,"I hate you."

And a plastic apology later, and a plastic smile to match,

Am I breaking or did those words simply not leave a single scratch?

I do not know, for maybe I have known this all along,

Or maybe I'm just acting out, trying to be strong.

But it's okay, in the end, I won't put blame on you,

If it's any comfort, just so you know, I've hated myself too.

Twelve days.

'TILL YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

=)

Day 11.

Google the meaning behind your name.

PPFFFT, Who needs to google the meaning of their name. =D

For one, I always knew it was the name of the wife of the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him), whom he loved very dearly. =)

And secondly, Ashi Khala told me when I was six, that it meant "Zinda rehney wali" meaning, "Alive". They say names affect your personality very much, so I like to think of it like "Alive" as in leaving a mark, or you know, leaving something behind you so you're Alive even when you've left. I want to do that. I hope to do that. Inshallah. I really hope I can make a difference.

Day 10.

Your family.

Three incredible sisters, one awesome brother, one amazing Baba, and one indescribably brilliant Ammi.

I love them. Alot.

14 Things.

So, Fourteen things I learnt from the last year.

1) What's right and what you want can be two completely different things, sometimes.

2) Appearances can deceive.

3) Some people just aren't worth the pain.

4) Letting go is hard. But eventually you'll have to do it.

5) Allah ta'la will make a way out of everything.

6) When you love you can't expect to be loved back.

7) Being someone other than yourself is completely pointless. You're You. God chose you to be you. There's no use acting any different.

8) Perseverance is key.

9) There is right, and there is wrong; there is no middle way.

10) You can't always win. Sure, you may have lost, but that's just that much more to gain.

11) You can't always expect people to be there forever. They can move on, sometimes, and they can leave.

12) Ammi and Baba are right 9/10 times.

13) Your bestest friend that can ever be is Allah ta'la. With Him, there is peace of mind, and wih Him, is all the happiness of the universe.

14) You're not supposed to focus on the problem; you're supposed to focus on the solution.

**

=')

P.S. I love Kitkat bars.

ETA: ALSO, I SHALL TWEET. ALOT. Thanks Kitkat for reminding me. =D

Okay I'm already excited for the freedom on the 25th.

Gotta start making plans. =D Yes, just another way to avoid studying, thankyou very much.

• Photography!!
• Nani's place. Nuff said.
• READING!!
• Working on a couple of bday gifts.
• Working on the school days montage video.
• Sketching!!

And then I shall have to start studying for Boaaard. =/ Ugggh! May can't come soon enough.

Day 9.

Someone you look upto.

Ammi & Baba. The two people in my life I find amazing in every single way. I hope one day, I can be like them. They're legends to me and I respect them so, so much. From all those stories from when I was little uptil now, when their hair is turning grey bit by bit, they've taught me literally everything I've needed to know. They are just perfect role models.

Inshallah, I'm going to make them proud, and live a life they'd be proud of. I want to be exactly the same kind of parent they are to me, and even though I don't realize it sometimes, they're nothing less than the biggest blessing in my life.

Now go and walk the path of death.

Now's the time, it's over now, your game is up and out,

Do you hear screams in silence, or is it you who shouts so loud.

Now go and walk the path of death, no one to call for help,

This path so full of crime and blood, built by none other than yourself.

No matter what I say, I still love her to pieces, and making her happy, makes me happy beyond anything. =D

Random facts.

1. Cats and dogs and animals are scary. Especially fluffy ones.

2. Fozzy's case is different.

3. Kimmi Kebabi and I love my Pengin Flapper are terms that make complete sense.

4. I have never had conversation in real life with a boy before. Except cousins, maybe.

5. When asked what she wanted for Hassan bhai to bring her, and hearing Aati baji jokingly say 'a brain', Manal said, 'Aqal la den.'

6. Rumaisa's first word was 'Baba'.

7. Allah ta'la is awesome.

8. Shazra baji dwells upon things like why there is Student's Biryani, and not Student's Pulao.

9. There's a hero if you look inside your heart.

10. Every body on the universe attracts every other body with a force which is directly proportional to the product of their mass, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.

11. Hoor is gone. Not, like, literally. It's because every time she asks how much I have studied, and I tell her, she texts me back " ='( I'm gone! "...So yeah.

12. Sher Zaman is the most awesomes chowkidar ever.

13. "Nitwit! Blubber! Odment! Tweak!" - Albus Dumbledore.

14. Nokia phones can fall from a window of the 2nd floor of a building, and still work.

15. Amna apa, chai ka papa - Rimsha Vohra, Dil ka dohra - Hoor Durrani, Gulshan ki Rani-Bushra Wahab, Jala hua Kabaab - Nashia Khan, Doodh ki dukaan - Aaisha Salman - Hoor Ki Jaan, etc etc etc.

16. Many varieties of Kit Kat have existed, either temporarily or permanently: There are often

country-specific limited edition bars.

17. You don't know meeeeeeeeee, you don't wanna know what's reaaaaaal, and I'm not sorrrrrrrrrrrrrry, for who I am, for what I feeeeeeeeeeel, cause you don't know me.

18. Every time Farhad driver sahab mentioned how he stopped at the 'Single', I had a hard time trying not to burst into laughter. Bicharey achey driver sahab they waisey.

19. Books are fun, books are great, lets sit down with a book tooooo-dayyyyyyy.

20. I just wasted alot of time on this. And I don't even care.

=D

Somewhere in between.

Not a stranger, nor a friend, not an ally, nor a foe,

Somewhere in the middle, and the middle seems to grow,

Words that mean nothing, yet mean all the world to me,

Suffocated smiles, yet I've never been this free,

Just stuck there, yet still I know this will lead us to somewhere,

Nothing to be spoken, but it's Everything we share,

Conversations uninteresting, yet I know we are so keen,

Not close, nor far, and where we are is somewhere in between.

That gaping hole.

Confusing as this puzzle is, it does not seem to fit,

I try find the pieces first, 'cause now, I cannot quit.

But I'm pretty sure that when I'm done, I'll find a gaping hole,

One big piece, just that one, I need to fix my soul,

The piece, that's You, and it seems so strange to say the least,

For that gaping hole is nothing but what shall never be.

I am really excited to begin learning the Quran by heart. How amazing would it be to know every word of it and its meaning? Inshallah ta'la, I'm going to accomplish that, and be part of one of Ammi's dreams. =) Ammi says the language in the Quran is powerful, and Arabic has a certain something about it that seems dominant. Arabic is beautiful, actually. So I'm not one bit scared of failing, just gotta try. Inshallah ta'la I'm going to put alot of effort into it. =)

Once again, she pretends.

Once again, she pretends,

all is right and fair,

Once again the world is blind to

the burden that she bears.

From falling leaves unto autumn's bosom,

To the very first bloom of spring,

Through all the years, through sun and snow,

She'll be hiding everything.

And while you are in deep, deep slumber,

She'll stay up and she'll cry,

For that is when she is free,

From prying eyes and lies.

So the next time you walk past a smiling stranger,

With no sign or mark of grief,

Just stop to wonder, we all have chains,

Appearances can deceive.

You're just not.

Yelling in a silent place, to walls and tiles and floors,

On everything, to all the world, I have shut the door,

Up and down, I chase around, but what, I do not know,

Run as I may, however fast, the way just seems to grow.

Everything seems empty yet, the world is bursting forth..

Never have I felt this way, so deaf to all exhorts.

Over, up and all about the walls seem closing in,

The game is up, it's over now, the lights are getting dim.

Who won, who lost, I do not care, for I cannot conceive,

Over the course of all those years, how you always come and leave,

Running still, I leave behind what ever that has left,

The smiles and laughter that you gave, now feel like merely theft.

How do I run, for I can try, but I admit I cannot forget.

It feels so empty now, nothing but regret.

Then I realize this is my world, I have nothing here to dread,

.....and how I don't have to shut my world, I can shut your door instead.

At the seaside,

Ammi: Look how amazing the Sun looks, and doesn't it teach us a lesson? This day will never come back, and what we've done is done,only to be revealed in akhirah...it will never come back. Did you know the Prophet asked his companions once, do you have any difficulty seeing the moon? When they answered no, the prophet replied such will be the case in akhirah, when you will be able to see your God perfectly....and look how amazing the whole nizam is. The sun is setting down here, but dawn is creeping in another country...

Me:......LIKE CANADA.

Whattay awesome way to end that speech. =D

Day 7.

Something you wish you could change about yourself.

For one, I wish I had the ability to be myself around everyone, and not dread the consequences. That I'd be able to actually speak without fear of speaking the wrong words.

I also wish that I could stand up for myself sometimes, and learn to say No. I don't understand why I'm not able to say no to anyone. And that I wasn't the kind of person people could easily take advantage of.

But I'm really grateful to Allah ta'la for who he has made me, because if he hadn't, I wouldn't be me. And it would be really scary to be someone else. Alhamulilah for all that Allah has made me, and Alhamdulilah for all he has blessed me with. Even though I wish I could change some parts of me, I'm really grateful for everything He's blessed me with. So, I don't want to sound like a ungrateful little twat.

Strange comfort.

There is strange comfort in you,

Strange comfort in meaningless words,

Strange comfort in simple smiles,

Strange comfort in your anger,

Strange comfort in your laughter,

Strange comfort in your questions,

Strange comfort knowing you already know the answers,

Strange comfort knowing we're not strangers,

Strange comfort knowing, yet, we are not friends,

Strange comfort following your train of thoughts,

Strange comfort in the safety I feel,

Strange comfort in everything you do.

Strange, strange comfort...

And slowly, though, leave as they may.

They've left their trails, their steps, their marks,

But I find they always leave,

And in dark and dust, all that's left,

Is the existence of simply me.

For moments they fill all those voids,

But I find it does not last,

They come as quickly as they go,

And everything is fast.

But when I turn in caves of fear,

I find a light that's you,

How come you're always there?

You're too good to be true.

And slowly, though, leave as they may,

You stand so firm your ground

And I always know who I will find,

When I turn around.

Someday.

Someday,

I'm going to tell someone,

Everything.

Someday,

It's going to burst out

the seams.

Someday,

I'll be free from these

chains.

Someday,

You'll know that part of me

I've hidden.

Someday,

It will

happen.

The dreaded letter.

'K.'

...=( Leave it to me to mess everything up!

=) Taken in Karachi. I miss them so. so. so. so. so. so. much.

Can you really blame the fire.

Can you really blame the fire, when the jump was made by you,

Can you really blame the truth you face, when it was your words that weren't true.

Have you ever picked these scraps and tried to make something better out of them?

Or have you lost your gold and silver, in your search for gems.

Can't you see that you can't fly, until you've grown your wings,

And having nothing is better than losing everything.

Distant whispers.

Distant whispers,

They're calling to me..

Is this the path I'm supposed to take?

This path,

It's only pricks and stones..

Is this the path to You?

And You,

You might not wait..

Am I supposed to leave?

Day 7.

Choose lyrics, and explain why you chose them.

Because I really do feel like going back to the start sometime:

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid

I'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupidI'msostupid.

Dear Ammanji,

I am missing you a lot these days. I study in your room now and I space out for some moments, remembering what it was like to have you around. I tried very hard to keep myself together when all of my friends at school were talking about their grandparent's deaths', so I just stared out the window until it was over.

Now that you've gone, the house has gone very quiet. I miss you calling out to us, and even though for the last two years in your life you couldn't really speak much, you were a huge blessing to all of us, and only now do I realize it.

You've taught me so much, and I still miss your adorable laughter and how even though you couldn't speak, you'd hold my hand and smile at me for as long as you could. You were a role model, and seeing Baba love you and care for you like he did, I know now how I'm going to try best to take care of my own parents, Inshallah ta'ala. And so, you've taught me alot.

The images of seeing you go still haunt me, and I don't think I can go a week without replaying them through my mind.

I'll pray every time, that God grants you a place in Jannah, and for your maghfirah.

I miss you. Alot.

I love you.

Reading her blog, I just wanted to comment 'it's going to be okay.' But I figured it would creep her out. But you know, if things work out, and if she does get to..erm.. know me and stuff, I think I might end up showing the post to her anyway.

Dear You,

Please trust me on this. I know I'm just 14, and I don't know any thing about that kind of stuff, but I just want you to know that Allah ta'la will never leave you abandoned. Either he will make you fall to catch you, or make you lost to find you; I just know that. I want to tell you to speak your heart to them. Don't let anyone's pressure make the decision that is yours. And I want you to know that this thread will never remain jumbled up for long. It will smooth itself out, and and you'll get to the end before you know it. Just hold on to the beginning of that thread, because you know there's got to be an end, even though you might have to go through the jumbled up bunch. I promise it will be okay. Because how can Allah ta'la not have it turn out okay when you've prayed so much to him. Baba always says when he raises his hands to Allah ta'la and cries for help, he always helps in the end. And all that is in between is nothing but trial. And Ammi always tells me that Allah ta'la gives all these trials to his people to test them. Well, you already know that, but what I'm trying to say is, there are things in store for you, do your best and then leave it to Allah, he will make it work out. He always does.

I don't even know why I'm typing this out, I don't know, I just kind of know what those feelings are, and it's horrible to be in the dark. But for every dark, there is a light, so there will be one for this too, and it may even be yourself. Really, even though it might not work out right now.....it's going to be okay.

A million words to say,

Yet I never do.

Something holds me back, and I think

It might be you.

ETA:

FOUND IT! Thankfully it was still near the house. But it was deformed already. =/ It was soooo clear when I saw it. =)

We saw a clouuud!!! It was shaped in the name of "Allah." (in arabic) =) But we drove past it too quickly. -_- And I didn't have a camera. Boooo. =/

Day 6.

Your best friend.

I think there might be three.

Sarah & Marium. I consider them one because one would not be complete without the other. I love them. If the people at school saw me when I'm with them they would run screaming out the door. Literally. Until last year, we were just cousins. You know, the kind that felt it was wrong to take the last cookie off the plate while we were sitting next to each other. The kind that had to share the bag of chips when accompanying each other. The kind that felt shame in insulting each other. But over the last year, everything changed. Somewhere along the line, we started pushing and fighting over the last cookie left, Marium started calling me idiot at every other thing, and I call them paglots for no reason at all, we started to share each other's lives, and somewhere along the line, we became friends, and steal food off each other's plates now. Sarah has been there through out my life. As kids, we were enemies behind our backs, and had to act like besties in front of each other. But we were still friends. We've been friends since forever but last year brought something different. It evolved into the kind of friendship where you could cry more for the person than the person cried for themselves. We got into a lot of trouble together, and we made our way out. When I'm with them I'm me and no one else, and that's HUGE for me. And they know EVERYTHING. From Kimmi Kebabis to Pokie bears, they know everything, and from Abhiabhi to FrequentlyAskedQuestions, I know everything. I love every inch of their existence, and I think if it weren't for them, I would be a sad, sad person. I don't know how to put in words how much they've been there, and how much anger I feel at anyone who tries to hurt them. All I know is they are complete retards, and I love them to death.

Kitkat: Kitkat is awesome like no other person. She's talented, she's creative and she's awesome to talk to. I think she doesn't think that much of herself, but as for me, I think all the world of her. You know how you can distinguish all the fakeness with the really great friendships you have? Yeah, it's that kind. I could never have asked for a better sister-friend, and even though she sometimes doesn't know, all the conversations are a huge, huge distraction from all that's been going on lately. The kind of distraction that you're extremely grateful for to God. The kind of distraction that takes away all of it for a while and leaves you a feeling on the surface that surges you further. If she could see poetry from my point of view, she'd see how much I love her as a writer, and that how you can feel they come straight from the depths of the heart when you read them. I don't think I'd be writing as much as I am if it weren't for her, and I'm so, so grateful for that. Like, I wouldn't have a outlet at all. To be quite honest, when I first started blogging I didn't feel all that comfortable with my feelings, I wanted to hide all of it. Then slowly as I saw her write ups, I learnt that it was okay to feel what I felt, and I then I started writing about what I really felt. She's mostly the reason why writing has been there for me when no one else has. She's helped me discover myself, and again, I cannot thank her enough for that. I don't even know what I'd do without all those crazy conversations, and I love every single word of them. She's amazing and I just wish she knew that. And I'm not just, like, saying this. Or because she reads this blog. Or because she might read this. Because you'll find waffle hearts, ninja nerd drawings and boogey boogey ghost doodles across many of the pages on my notebooks. I love my sister.

H. I might lie to myself sometimes, but I know you are a best friend. I might tell myself I don't care, but I know I do. And I might tell myself I'm not going to miss you, but I am. You are the only, only reason I even have friends at school. But some things just bother me, and I don't like when you say I've changed, I've just started standing up for myself, and I've stopped liking to be used and taken advantage of. You don't know anything now, but once you did, and all the same, you'll never know the truth, and I'll continue to be there for you, there to hide you sitting in the chair next you while you hide your tears from the rest of the class, and I'll continue to care wether I like it or not. I just wish I was me around you, and not the innocent, quiet kid I act like, or rather can't help being. I just wish you knew that I feel extremely lonely in class and I just wish you'd see that I'm not what you think I am, and I just wish you wouldn't expect me to do what you don't do yourself. But all the same, I know you're extremely smart, and I know if you knew anything at all, you'd care. Maybe one of these days I'll have the courage to tell you. I love you because I think you might love me.

Day 5.

The most amazing thing that ever happened to you.

Ummmm. I don't know. Maybe getting to go for Umrah? It was completely magical.

Day 4.

If you lived anywhere in the world where would it be?

Karachi and sure, it doesn't compare to all those beautiful places out there, and it doesn't have the most beautiful buildings, and it may not be the safest place in the world, but it's where I've got the love I've got. Some things in Karachi just can't be replaced. Like the smell of the rain mixing with the soil, like the liveliness of the city at 12 am in the night, like visiting Nani's on weekends, like having people over every other hour, like the million dinner invites, like all the friendships, like the wind that feels almost magical...and pretty much everything. And I've never been so glad that Ammi & Baba made a decision for us to move to Karachi. I love it.

Day 3.

If you had any one wish what would it be?

Thats simple. To go to Paradise, Jannah. Inshallah. But I know it's never going to be presented to me on a silver platter. So I'm going to work on it. And I hope I achieve it in the end, Inshallah.

All around me.

The drift in the air,

The breeze in the sea,

The songs of the birds,

The pride of a tree.

The light in the sun,

The water from the rain,

The smile in my eye,

The tear in my pain.

The day that didn't last,

The sun I don't see,

You're lost and you're gone,

But you're all around me.

THIS IS ME FREAKING OUT OVER EXAMS. =D

^_________________________^ Yes, I'm a weirdo thank you very much. =D

IDK, at some points I just crack.

And you can always count on Shazra baji to take pictures of you while you're cracking.

Oheyy, I needed this.

This made me smile.

Moulding of the past.

Everything and anything,

Hanging on the line,

And all the past and all the rest,

Loved and lost in time.

Call it fate, or just a choice,

The present has now unfolded,

And now it seems that what it is,

Is what the past has moulded.

Walking out the door.

You turned out like they always do, I expected more,

It took me by surprise when I felt you walking out the door.

You left me while I was falling down, you left me lying there,

You left me with only memories and the times that we have shared.

I gave it all, I thought that it would not cease to last,

But I admit that I was wrong, that people leave too fast.

I do not know where I am caught up, in the past or in this fate,

I wanted to fix the gaping hole, but I was all too late.

And now I'm left with only me, and all those haunting times,

When once we held strong and true, once when you were mine.

Day 2.

I've already done Day 1 in the previous challenge, so, onnnn with day 2! :)

OBVIOUUUSSLLLY SINGLE. I don't have to explain that, now do I. I'm fifteeeeeen. Plus, ammi says I'm the only child now thats left that she has to herself for some time now. =) So yeah :D

You: *Reading my diary*

Me:.....*tensed*

You: Ohey, you've written, that all these names of people help you when you're down. You feel down?

Me: What?

You: Like down..as in upset? Do you really feel that way sometimes?

Me: Yeahhhh.....

You: WOW really?

Ummm.

Okay. I'm going to do this.

I wonder.

More than all those words you write,

I wonder what you erase,

And what your heart is running from,

More than what you chase.

AHHH. I hate when I can't think of anything to write about. =/

Losing my way.

Give me a reason for this, give me a reason to stay,

Give me a reason to fall, and then have to pay,

Give me a reason to see, all the after effects,

Give me a reason to do, what's for the best,

'Cause I'm losing my way, I'm losing it now,

I want to be right, but I don't know how.

Rambling.

I miss Baba more than ever. =( I've never missed anyone this muchhh befooooore. :(

Last night everyone came over for dinner, and the voices reminded me so much of him! Choti phuppo, especially, her voice and laughter resembles Baba's so much, I wanted to literally cry. I don't know why. :(

And then Zayan's mom was telling everyone how Zayan was so excited to go to Chacha Jan's house, and then everyone started talking about how Baba is so awesome with kids etc. :) I missed him mooooooooore at that point. =/

Then Ammi got me to talk to him on the phone, and then I sound myself asking "When are you coming back?" And it took me back to the times in Dubai when I used to cry for him, and asked Ammi every three minutes when he'd come back and I'd cry over the phone asking him to. And at that point I felt exactly like the 5 or 6 year old I was then.

And then Ammi asked me to mail something to him from her, and I did, and at the end she asked me to add "Tu nahin hay tou kuch bhi nahin hay, ye mana kay mehfil jawan hay, haseen hay." How true. :')

You won't know.

My head that floated in the sky,

You brought it crashing down,

You walked in, took my life away,

You turned me upside down.

You took it all, and gave me back

What I could never think,

I fell for you and the worst part is,

That you won't know a thing.

Farewell.

FAREWELL WENT AWESOME. =D MAN. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START! =)

Okay no, I do. Sarah came over!!!!!!!!!!! We had a ball of a time getting dressed up. We went to the parlour to get her hair cut, and in the mean while I got my hair straightened. We were total retards getting dressed, as expected. But she looked hell prettyyyyy, gahhh. My hair was messing up, ALOT. But I clutched it up, and then we set out to find the venue.

The hotel was AWESOME!! And the dances, OMG!!! They were like, ....MAN. THEY WERE AWESOME. There was PECHS version of 'Twilight' and AHAHAHAHAHA. WOW. AWESOMENESS. "Awwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaz Neechayyy!" ;)

And then there were the titles ofcourse!!! They had us all up on stage for itt. :) They called the council out first, Tuba, the headgirl, Talat, the deputy, then me. I got the title "Nazuk si sharmeeli si masum si bholi bhali si." (If you'd translate that in english you'd get the adjectives delicate and innocent etc etc, sounds better in urdu =P) :D Well LOL you don't know a thing. ;) But I loved it! :D Anyway all the titles were awesome! Ones I liked were Rimsha's "Born to be wild" , and Talat's and Tuba's!! Hoor got "jolly good fellow" and the rest were urdu poetry I did NOT understand. Umama got "Bubbly without buntu", and Nehan got "Ms Wikipedia". And Tehreem got "Computer Maestro" and she deserved that!

Then there was a documentary, and MAAN, Imma miss this awesome school. =( They showed the entrance and everything, the staaairs the ujra hua gaaarden and questions and answers with teachers, and the scenes during classes, the random things we do, and our memories!! =') They showed another video which they'd compiled with all our photos.

There were awards too! And not gonna lie about anything, they before the announced the awards, they had this announcement thing and they were like "Wether it be Momal's naughtiness in class, or Saniya's tashans, from Mahnoor's craze of Sahir Lodhi, to Aaisha Salman's crocodile tears.." and then I heard nothing because everyone around me was like WTF, and me too. I WAS LIKE WHUUUT. Anywayy, I didn't really mind, and everyone was consoling me later. =p I've only like cried once or twice this whole yeaaar, and they were most certainly NOT crocodile tears. =/ ANYWAY WHATSOEVER. =D

But then they kinda made up for that, and I got a nomination for the "Most Wanted award - winning hearts" along with Zahra, and the Headgirl, and I was like AWW, but the award went to the heagirl and RIGHTFULLY SOOO. Like, duu, she just rocks the hell outta everything. The other awards were Best Dancer to Fatima Shahab ofcourse, Bahi Log to Momal, and YEP is all I can say =p, and then there was the episode of Rimsha. They had some award, something along the lines of Crazy and wild, idk, something like that! Anyway, first they announced Rimsha had won it, and when Rimsha stood up, they said to her "Don't be too happy, the award goes to Javeria!" and everyone was WHADDA HELL again, and poor Rimsha was like so surprised, but we started cheering on her name while Javeria went up to get the award. =p

There was the ramp show ofcourse! And then Ms Farheen, OMG, They announced her as the SHOW STOPPER. BAHAHAHA. NO. Okay. Hoth Hoth is all I can say. =p Then there were the teacher awards, Ms Mussarat got the Best Blush-on, Ms Shaheen got The smartest lady, Ms Sofia got the Lolly pop award, and Ms Jabbo got the Multimedia Model award, and we all cheered her on, all like GO JAYY BAYY, GO JAAYY BAYY. =D Ms Farheen got the Chulbuli Award. =P

Then there were teacher titles, and all of them were urdu poetry i didnt understand. Idk. And Ms Madiha's title, Omg, Ms Farheen walked in AGAIN, and started like I chose this title and I'm going to present it, and shizz, and it was this looooooooooooooong poetry of PRAIIISE PRAIIISE PRAAAISE. GOD. Axa shouted "She wants a pay raise!" XD

And then 9th grade all joined in on this dance on the song "Happy Ending" and it was adorable! They wished us well and shizz, and it was awesome.

Then the program ended, and we started taking photos etc. We ate daa food, but sadly there was no cold drink. BUMMER. Anyway then at the end everyone went up on stage for photos, and we all scrunched in to get photographs. =D

Then I searched for Sarah amongst the huuuuuuuge crowd, and then it was time to go.

It was one hell of a evening, and the probably the most memorable farewell we're ever gonna get.

AHHHHHHHHHH. I don't know if I'm more excited about going to the Farewell or hanging with Sarah before, getting dressed up with her, being a retard with her, and going with her to the farewell! XD

I think it's the latter, but OH WELL, I IS EXCIIITED. =D

I miss you.

The echoing laughter

The smile that makes me smile

The anger that makes me cry

The way you kiss me on the top of my head

And still hover about my head when I pretend to be asleep

And mutter prayers I know come from heart,

And how you greet me when I come back from school,

The gentle taunting, and the boosts,

The scoldings,

The hugs,

And how no matter how old I get

I'm still your little girl.

I miss it all.

I hate knowing

that you're not near.

I miss you.

The light in you.

Through the fading emotion, and the dimming eyes,

Through the brimming tears, and a smile that lies,

Through the breaking heart, and the wishful sighs,

Through the plastic laughter, that rouses and dies,

I can still see the light in you, my dear.

I can still see the light in you.

So I play along, I pretend we're okay,

That all our fears are keeping at bay,

We both know it's fake, we know we're mad,

But it's so much better than what we have.

But I can still see the light in you, my dear,

I can still see the light in you.

Tonight we'll rise through falling fears,

Tonight we'll laugh through falling tears,

It may be fake, but we'll make it real,

And leave them wondering in this ordeal.

'Cause I can still see the light in you, my dear,

I can still see the light in you.

It's tough as brick, it's harder than rock,

We'll make it through, we'll break the block,

And when they ask how we stick like glue,

I'll answer what I found is true,

I can still see the light in her, dear world,

I can still see the light in her.

The glimpse of her past.

In her present I see the glimpse of her past,

She glides through the crowd with enchanting grace,

I smile at her warmly, and see her smile back,

With that light that fills her whole face.

In her present I see the glimpse of her past,

Stealing glances, now and again,

Even through the plastic smiles,

I see the trace of pain.

In her present I see the glimpse of her past,

The wrinkles show she's aged,

But through sun and storm, she's strong and brave,

Like a calming sea, once raged.