A Letter To God.

Dear God,

I want to talk to someone so I will talk to you. Karachi is finally cold and it even rained a few days ago. I am wearing my favourite sweater and things are quiet. I am closeted behind silence, behind cold skin and ordinarily black eyes. Or maybe they are the darkest shade of brown. I don't know. Sometimes in class I feel nomadic and faraway but that doesn't mean people around me aren't beautiful. Because they are. They're beautiful when they talk animatedly and they're beautiful when they laugh and it makes me smile because I am painted there somewhere in between all of them but I feel alright. And I am thankful.

I keep thinking about how the world keeps breaking. I can almost hear the Snap! as a crack widens just a little bit more. Believe me, I am aware of the suffering around me but I also know that people and me, we find things that make it okay. Like how it is when we're all waiting for the other teacher to enter the classroom after the one teaching the last class leaves and that is the moment somebody stretches, somebody else makes a stupid comment at the back of the classroom, some people start talking loudly and I can hear them. At that moment, everybody is brave because they leave behind stories and they leave behind pain and they leave behind so many things to just let themselves be and it reminds of this song that says, "Sometimes nothing, it keeps me together at the seams."

Thanks for everything. I want to keep saying that even when things around me end and begin, even if sometimes at night the future scares me and I want to be okay and even when there's nothing that I can do. I don't understand a lot of things but I wanted to tell you that I want to. I keep hearing and reading how hate is too great a burden to carry and I think that is true. Maybe because we understand the people we hate when we become the people we hate. I think people make bad choices all the time but we've done that too, haven't we? I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that nothing should be left unfixed. That apologies are hard but all it takes is twenty seconds of insane courage, twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery. Last night I was thinking about Aurooj, who studied with us in college until she passed away last year. I wished I had stood up for her but I hadn't. So a few days ago, somebody was crying and I was hesitant to approach them but then I thought I couldn't take more guilt and that people can be saved, people can be fixed while they're still alive, while they are still fixable. So I told them it was okay and they smiled. And the day went on and I'm sure she got through and another day welcomed her in that she lived to see. I'm trying to learn. Most things just take courage.

I also think quiet people are braver than they look. There's so much going on but I always turn to you. Because you're the only one who can truly help me. I see things on the news, about my country and about the world and I wonder if it is realistic to pray for everyone but I do wish that when you get time to read this letter, I hope you add a little bit of patience in all of us so we can keep getting through one day at a time.

Thanks for listening. To this and to all the things I could never say. I don't mind being a wallflower. I get the best view of the universe.

Love always,
Me.